the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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