If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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