He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
