I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw