My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle