Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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