I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
