Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
