The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The air was thick with penises
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
