i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize