Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
