i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
