Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
