I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
