after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize