mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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