She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
