she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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