As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
