Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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