Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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