The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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