this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
