i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
