Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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