i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
