I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
