I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She bit a glass in half.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
