Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
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