Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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