I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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