Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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