wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
