dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
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I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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