I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
