Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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