So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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