A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
