I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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