Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
