worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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