1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
