If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
