Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
