Tell her she can't have a vagina
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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