the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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