I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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