Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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