Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
