just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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