Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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