Screwed.edu
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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