i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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