I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's always time for handjobs
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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