it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Randomize
